When Dave first went to the hospital back in October. I remember going home each night with more questions than answers. It took a month before we got the Castleman's diagnosis and then a couple months after before they were sure that he had POEMS syndrome too. When the kids would ask me if Daddy was going to die. I found myself wondering the same thing. I didn't know how to pray. I wasn't sure if I was ready for "Thy will be done." I wanted "my will"- which was for Dave to be okay and our family to go back to normal. As we approached the chemo and transplant my anxiety grew. I wasn't sure if I needed to just hope for the best or prepare for the worst. My mind would wander what would it be like to be a widow at 32yrs. old. How would I take care of my kids by myself. How would they get by without a dad. I pictured Daddy- daughter dates and Father-son campouts unattended. It was hard not to think it. I guess I was running rehersals in my mind to try and prepare myself for that possibility. Convincing myself that I would be okay no matter what happens was my way to manage the anxiety.
A few days before the chemo began. We had a visit from the Stake President and the Bishop. The President gave me a beautiful blessing which words continue to resonate with me each time I get discouraged. The Bishop shared a quote with me that gave me the answered to what I had been looking for.
"Choose faith over doubt, choose faith over fear, choose faith over the unknown and the unseen, and choose faith over pessimism."-Richard C. Edgely
It has helped me each time I start feeling afraid. It was truly the answer I was looking for. Today has been a challenging day. Dave slept a lot and we all seemed a little more emotional than usual. But we made it through. Tonight we sang some songs and read some books. Brody wanted to say the family prayer. He grunts his best attempt at copying your words. Ally and Grant couldn't help themselves from laughing. Children's giggles have to be among one of life's most heartwarming sounds.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Faith over Fear
Posted by Caroline Welsh at 6:54 PM
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6 comments:
You are amazing! (You both are!) Thank you for sharing that quote. I needed it. :)
I love you Caroline!
What courage and strength it takes to openly share your tender feelings about David's illness and your fears. Your faith will help you move forward no matter what trials you face now or are ahead down the road. Right now you are grieving, in a sense. Grieving for his temporary loss of health, we pray for this treatment to work and for him to regain his health; but I can also tell you see much beauty in the love shown by those around you and joy in each other and your kids. God promises us "beauty for the ashes and joy for the mourning." Isaiah 61:3, God is sustaining you, that is evident. Great quote, by the way. Hang in there!
Pam
I really appreciate what you've shared here, I can only imagine the range of emotions you've experienced through all of this. The power of faith is truly palatable in difficult times and the thing that carries us through it all. We're routing for you guys and sending prayers your way always.
You're so strong and brave! As always, we'll continue to keep you all in our prayers.
I love the quote, and I'll probably "steal" it if that's alright? :) You guys are awesome. Your strength is an example to us all. Thank you.
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